So alot has happened lately. For starters my boyfriend and I went and picked out my engagement ring. Yes, I am happy about it, but at the same time I have doubts. Maybe I am not ready to get married until I get my feelings under control. I cant let go of the past. I know I need to, but it is easier said than done. I love my boyfriend dearly. We have been together on and off for 15 years, so there is attachment there. I just feel like I am not ready or sure of this new development. Everyone expects us to be together, but I cant help but think about what it would be like if we werent. Is that bad of me? I feel bad about it. So maybe it is just anxiety. I tend to worry alot about small things but this is a little bit more than a small thing. Getting married is monumental. It will change alot of things. Who knows why I am getting like this. Perhaps I should just talk to my boyfriend. He would be very hurt though. He hates my ex and that topic is completely off limits. So I am not sure if talking to him about it would be a good thing either. I am just confused. My boyfriend and I never fight and I dont want to start one. So I dont know what to do. The ex has moved on and has a new girlfriend. He even moved away from where I live, but I cant help but think about him. However, I keep telling myself he is an ex for a reason. Is it worth throwing away a good thing, if you dont have a chance with the other. Maybe I do have a chance. I dont know. Should I take the sure thing?

Jen

So I sit here this evening and I am left to think. I have been doing that a lot lately. Mainly about the past. I miss people. I shouldnt but I do. It makes me sick to my stomach. I still want them. This isnt a good thing. They have moved on. I have too or supposedly. Why do I still have these feelings? I think of them all the time. I miss them. I want them. I have too many memories. Good memories. Memories that make me smile. I was just happier then. It didnt work out for a reason though. At least that is what I keep telling myself. They have moved on. I am trying to. It has been a long time. Six years to be exact. Is that too long? I often wonder if they still think of me. I tried to contact them the other day to see, but it was a dead end. I got no response. Does this mean they want nothing to do with me? Or does this mean they just didnt respond? Why do I care? I dont know I just feel so confused about it all.

So I was talking to Andrea last night as I always do and something began to irritate me. We were talking about a karate instructor who told her she couldnt take karate as a child due to the fact that she was partially sighted because it was a contact sport. When in fact, anyone with half a brain knows this to be a falsehood because in reality karate does not need eyes to be done. In fact, it can be acurately done without this sense. In some cases more precisely even. So here is my point. Why must people refer to her as blind when in fact she can see in some instances better than myself? Yes, she is in fact legally blind but what does this mean really? Why does society have to be so rigid with its terms? Why arent I refered to as "partially sighted" simply because I have a visual deficit and need to wear glasses? Has anyone given any thought to this before? Why is society like this? Is it stupidity?